Every sport, no every sector of our life is littered with cliches and “buzz-words”. Some of course, are much more annoying than others. Many started being cool but have a short shelf life and should just go away.

Words and their meanings are fascinating.

Take for example, the word ’snow”. The Eskimos have, what, 82 different ways to describe the white stuff. I can’t even imagine all the meanings of the word “love”.

Sometimes you can string together two words and create an oxymoron like “unbiased opinion” or “Microsoft Works”. You can also take two words with clear, distinct meanings, string them together and come up with something that means the opposite or at best, rendered meaningless, like “stimulus package”. I’m not so sure I am comfortable using those two words together in polite company anyway.

Some words move from the sports and entertainment world into the daily culture like “slam dunk” and “home run”.

You get the idea. In the gym we have our own annoying little, but oft-repeated buzz-words and cliches. I even have one in the post’s title, the word “fitness“. Can you define it? Can you tell me what or who is “fit”? When asked of the “average Joe” (another cliche), he may say, Lance Armstrong. But can Lance press his body weight overhead? Can he go 3 rounds? I don’t know. Greg Glassman has his own long and involved definition of fitness at his Holy Grail, er, website, but the point is, there are about as many definitions of the words “fit” and “fitness” as there are dweebs doing bicep curls or sloppy lunges in the gym on a Monday night.

Here are some others: Elite training or Crossfit takes it a notch up with “Elite Fitness“. Look, unless you are a nationally-ranked athlete or pro athlete, your training is not elite. Sorry dude!

Core training. Is this one of the most over-used and misunderstood cliches out there? More often, when someone says he is training his core, he is doing some ab exercises. It seems Abs = Core.

Cardio. Please, go away with your cardio and your cardio machines. Take a hike. I have had enough of cardio. You have a heart so you have cardio.

Sports Nutrition. If you don’t participate in sports and just watch Sports Center on the flat screen do you engage in Sedentary Nutrition?

At this point, I am starting to understand how the late George Carlin must have thought about all this nonsense.

Metabolic Training. Are you breathing? That is metabolic. Are you sleeping? That too is metabolic. And don’t try to fool me by calling it “metcon”. I am on to you.

Active Rest. Oxymoron alert. Pick one. Be active or be at rest and don’t feel guilty if you are resting. It is ok. Sit still and chill!

Meal Replacement. I think if you’re going to replace a meal, you should do something fun instead, like sex. Replace lunch with a “nooner”. I even remember when “drinking your lunch” meant you had three martinis.

Functional training. Ok, this kills. What would be functional training for a prisoner on a chain gang? You’re right, sledgehammer swings. You get 10 points. What is functional training for a cubicle prairie dog? Chair races down the hallway and one-fingered pencil curls are functional. For a challenge while seated, try touching your toes.

Getting in shape. This is a classic. You already have a shape. Round is a shape and so is a pear. Which one best describes you?

Post Workout Recovery. Too many words. Just say, “Ok, I’m done”. Or just recover; I mean when else would you recover but after a  workout?

Focus on your breathing. Oh, really? If I did that, I would never get any sleep. I can walk, chew gum and breathe at the same time. Does that mean I am “multi-tasking”?

Personal Trainer. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a trainer to get personal; just pay attention, count my reps and make sure I am doing the exercise the right way.

Ok, ok, I know that’s more than 10. That’s what happens during a rant, cut me some slack will you? (Someone, please explain to me what that means).

Feel free to continue this rant in the “Comments”. I know you can come up with many more. I have a headache.

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Filed under: Gym • Humor

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